A Kick in the Gut
April 6, 2010 by JANicholson
Filed under Showers and Foxholes
So last week a very good old friend confided in me that he was now HIV positive. I would by lying to you if I pretended like hearing that news wasn’t a complete kick in the gut, although I certainly tried to put on a strong and optimistic face for him when he told me. Actually, describing the way I felt as being like a kick in the gut seems like a gross understatement. It actually feels like I’m being continuously kicked in the gut every time I think about it.
I’m only 28 years old, so the HIV issue has never really felt too close to home for me. Even though I’m a “gay activist,” I don’t think I’ve ever really known anyone close to me who has had or has contracted HIV. I’ve certainly met people who were positive, and I’ve known people who have been close to others who were positive. But this was the first time this disease has hit THAT close to home, and I’m still a little traumatized.
I actually feel like I’m about to throw up now. He’s so much stronger than I am about this. Or was he just putting on a brave face for me? Damn this sucks. How do we still have a problem with this disease in the second decade of the 21st century?
Alex-
That feeling you have is important, but that energy also needs to be channeled and not forgotten. Talk to your friends about it, write about it. One of the challenges with HIV is that it is too often someone else’s ‘problem.’ Until HIV touches us or someone close to us, it is ‘that other guy’s disease.’ Within our community, how many guys get ostracized in the dating world once they become positive? Within society, how many of them get looked at differently or discriminated against because of that virus? With the current regime of treatments, many people with HIV are living full, long, healthy lives. What we often forget is that some of them may have almost died or come close to dying before their doctor found the right combination of meds to suppress the virus and keep them alive. What we also don’t often see is the hell they went through when they were sero-converting or during the initial adjustment to their meds. Until HIV touches us up close, we don’t learn enough about it, we don’t understand the impacts on one’s mental and physical health, and we all too often pay lip-service to preventing it. I have two very close friends who are positive and luckily, they are both expected to die of old age before HIV kills them.
HIV isn’t exclusive to the gay community, but with over 50% of the new cases among our ranks, it is a problem we must face, especially among our younger community. It breaks my heart when I see a 19 or 20 year old who is already positive. For those who acquired HIV from unsafe sex- was changing the rest of your life really worth that moment of carefree fun? We often talk about being part of a family….we need to look out for our family members better than we have been. Until a cure for HIV is found, we need to do what we can to stop its spread.
Alex-
I’ve been where you are, but on the other side of the equation. In 2009 I had to tell the Marine I was interested in that I was HIV positive. Your friend has a lot of trust in you to tell you, because that disclosure is NEVER easy. If I could offer any advice, it’s this: keep on being a friend. Being HIV positive is one of the most lonely feelings you can ever have. You’re very brave for admitting you just got socked in the gut, I appreciate that. I only hop you continue to be a friend, because trust me, your good friend needs that now more than ever. I wish you much luck, and I’m guessing you have a method of accessing my e-mail, and if so I’d be more than happy to talk to you about this.